"Am I gay if I date you?" I hear this question a lot. Often it comes from a man who has been thinking about it for years before he finally writes to me. It's a fair question, and the short answer is no.
Two different things
Gender identity is who you are. Sexual orientation is who you are attracted to. They are separate, and mixing them up causes most of the confusion.
I am a woman, and that is my gender identity. I have always been attracted to men, so my orientation is straight. A man who is attracted to me is attracted to a woman, which makes him a straight man.
What other people might say
Friends may make jokes. Some men worry about what their family would think. That pressure is real. It still doesn't change who you are attracted to.
You also don't owe anyone a label. Some of the men I meet call themselves straight and others call themselves bi. Plenty never think about it at all, and all of that is fine with me.
More common than you think
Attraction to trans women is more common than most men imagine. Many keep it to themselves for years because they are afraid of what it says about them. It says that you like women, and that one of the women you like happens to be trans.
If you want to find out
The easiest way to answer the question is to meet someone. A dinner, a show in the West End or a drink at a party is a relaxed way to see how you feel, with no pressure on what happens next.
If you are in London, send me a message or read about a dinner date with me. If it would be your first time with a trans woman, this post will help.
Brazilian trans woman living in London. I write about dating, respect and real experiences.