Many of the men who message me have never been on a date with a trans woman. Some say so in the first message. Others only tell me halfway through dinner. Both are fine. Being new to this is normal, and most of the worries I hear are easy to sort out.
This is what I would tell you before your first date.
Read a little before you meet
You don't need to study. A few basics mean she won't spend the evening explaining them to you. A trans woman is a woman who was assigned male at birth. "Trans" and "transgender" are good words to use, and some of us call ourselves TS, me included. Words like "tranny" and "shemale" are insults, even when they are meant as a joke. If you are not sure which word she prefers, ask her.
Use her name and her pronouns
Call her by the name she gave you and say "she". If you get it wrong, say sorry once and carry on. A long apology makes the moment bigger than it was.
Some questions can wait
Surgery, hormones, her old name and what she has under her dress are personal. When a man opens with these, I know he came to satisfy his curiosity, and the evening rarely recovers. If she wants to talk about her transition, she will bring it up herself.
Until then, ask what you would ask any woman on a first date. Where she grew up. What she does on a Sunday.
She has a life beyond being trans
I'm Brazilian and I live in London. I love long dinners, and I'm always happy to go to the theatre, a West End musical, a party or a private event. Those are the evenings that are better with someone at your side. Most trans women have plenty to say that has nothing to do with being trans. The men I enjoy most are curious about that side of me.
Talk about boundaries before you meet
Boundaries are easier to agree on before the date than in the middle of it. Tell her what you are hoping for and ask what she is comfortable with. On the night, a yes to one thing is a yes to that thing only. If she says stop, you stop.
When you book with me, we agree on everything in advance, so nobody gets a surprise.
Nerves are normal
Plenty of men tell me they were nervous all day. Some worry about being seen with a trans woman in public. Some are still working out what they want. You don't need all the answers before a first date. Be honest with her about where you are.
If someone is rude to her
If a waiter or a stranger makes a comment, stand by her. You don't need to make a scene. A calm word and staying at her side is enough, and she will remember it.
If you are in London and would like your first time to be with me, send me a message. A dinner date is the easiest way to start.
Brazilian trans woman living in London. I write about dating, respect and real experiences.