Some men write to me worried about saying the wrong thing. That worry is a good sign, because it means you care. Talking to a trans girl is mostly the same as talking to any woman, and you can learn the rest in five minutes.
The words
Gender identity is a person's own sense of being a man, a woman or neither. A trans woman was assigned male at birth, and she is a woman. A cisgender person is someone whose identity matches the sex they were given at birth. Non-binary people don't identify only as men or only as women.
You don't need more vocabulary than that for a first conversation.
Her name and her pronouns
Use the name she introduces herself with. If you are not sure about pronouns, ask once and keep it simple: "Which pronouns do you use?" Telling her yours first makes the question feel natural.
When you talk about her to other people, use the same name and pronouns. If you slip, correct yourself and carry on. A long apology only makes the moment bigger.
Help her feel at ease
Your body language says a lot. Look her in the eye, relax, and don't stare at her hands or her throat while she talks. A calm voice helps too. If you want a serious conversation, choose a quiet place where she doesn't have to worry about who is listening.
Good questions and the ones to leave alone
Ask about her life. Where she grew up. The music she can't stop playing.
Her body, her birth name and her transition are hers to bring up. If you are curious, you can say "I'm happy to listen if you ever want to tell me about it", and leave it there. Questions about surgery on a first conversation tell her you are more interested in her body than in her.
Listen properly
Let her finish her sentences. Ask a second question about what she just told you, which shows you were paying attention. Share things about yourself too, so she isn't the only one answering questions.
Leave the stereotypes at home
Trans women are as different from each other as any other women. Some of us love fashion and some don't care about it at all. Don't assume what she does for a living or what she thinks about politics. Ask her.
Back her up
Respect also shows when she isn't in the room. If a friend makes a joke about trans people, tell him it isn't funny. If someone is rude to her in public, stand next to her. You can also support trans-led charities, which do a lot with very little money.
If you are in London and would like to practise over dinner or a night at the theatre, send me a message.
Brazilian trans woman living in London. I write about dating, respect and real experiences.