Intimacy with a trans woman is intimacy with a woman. Most of what makes it good is the same for everyone, and a few things are worth knowing before the first time.
Talk first
Before you are alone together, tell her what you would like and ask what she enjoys. Ask what is off limits too. Many trans women have parts of their body they prefer not to have touched or talked about, and this is different for each of us. Let her tell you.
Consent can change during the evening. A yes earlier on is a yes to that moment only, and either of you can stop whenever you want.
Words matter in bed too
Use the words she uses for her own body. If you are not sure, ask quietly or follow her lead. Some trans women feel real distress about certain parts of their body, which is called dysphoria, and the wrong word at the wrong moment can end the mood.
Hygiene
A shower before you meet is the basic courtesy, for both of you. Clean hands and short nails matter more than most men think, especially if you plan to use your fingers.
Douching before anal sex
Anal sex is part of intimacy for many couples, and people often ask how to prepare for it. Douching means rinsing the rectum with water before sex. It is optional. For most people, going to the toilet and taking a shower is enough.
If you or your partner want to douche, keep it simple:
- Use plain lukewarm water. Soap, alcohol and laxatives irritate the lining.
- Use a bulb or shower douche made for this, put lubricant on the nozzle and go slowly.
- Use a small amount of water each time and repeat two or three times, until the water comes out clear.
- Finish 30 to 60 minutes before sex, so the body has time to settle.
- Don't douche every day. Too much of it dries and irritates the lining, which makes small tears and infections more likely.
- Skip it if you have haemorrhoids, a fissure or any pain.
Planned Parenthood has a short guide on douching if you want to read more.
Condoms and protection
Use a condom every time, for any kind of penetration, with plenty of lubricant. The anus doesn't make its own lubrication. Water-based and silicone lubricants are safe with latex condoms. Oil-based ones, like baby oil or massage oil, can break them.
In the UK, NHS sexual health clinics give out free condoms and PrEP, a daily pill that prevents HIV. Testing there is free and confidential.
Relax
Nerves are normal the first time. Go slowly, and if something feels awkward, laugh about it together. She wants to enjoy the evening as much as you do.
Afterwards
Stay a while. Offer a glass of water and a conversation, or a hug if she wants one. How you treat her afterwards shows how you saw her all along.
If it would be your first time with a trans woman, read my post for first-timers. If you are in London and would like to meet me, send me a message.
Brazilian trans woman living in London. I write about dating, respect and real experiences.